ok folks. today's subject is pain. CFS pain. FM pain. Fun stuff. stop reading now if you're a happy person.

the CFS/FM pain can be a real pain in the ass at times. which is funny because it's about the only place that doesn't hurt.

think of the last time you had the flu (not the stomach one, the other one). how your body hurt all over, and any movement made your joints scream in pain. the body aches, where you first thought it was going to kill you, then you were afraid you would live.....CFS pain is like that.

when i first got it, i didn't think i could take it. but that was 20 years ago. funny what you can learn to tolerate. when i was in the hellhole they called a nursing home after breaking my ankle, the first night was a nightmare. the call bells went off constantly. i don't mean, often, i mean constantly. without a break. when one inmate would get help, another one would be buzzing. i thought i was going. to. lose.my.mind. (i may have now that i think about it.) but by saturday afternoon, i no longer noticed it. ditto with the busses on devon ave outside my bedroom window. don't notice them anymore.

it's the same with the CFS pain. I didn't think i could get used to constant body and joint ache and pain. but i have. some days, though, it really gets to me. ok, at least once a day, i find myself saying, "I can't take it anymore". but i do.

the FM pain is different. went to scratch my head. thought I had claws it hurt so much. there are times when just touching me feels like the person (or dog) is trying to push through to the other side of my body. the doc tried examining my shoulders and i thought i was going to die. it's not constant, but more of a surprise. it'll be like ladedadeda, on with my coat, and then what the f---!?! who put cement and spikes in my coat?

combine the pain with the fatigue mentioned in a previous blog and life can be quite sucky at times. ok, most of the time. lately the pain and fatigue are ganging up on me.

then it seems that i have rheumatoid arthritis in my feet!!!! give.me.a.break! it makes it hard to sleep, cause it causes a feeling like my toes are curling under. and the reynaud's makes my feet cold almost constantly. i am currently wearing a pair of wool/soy socks and a second pair of wool socks, and my feet are frigid!. my hand hurts from where the cane hits them, and without the cane, I can't walk further than 2-3 doors down.

and now it's sinus weather...those headaches are like a skewer through the temples with flaming spikes rotating in my head. i've learned how to deal with the neck arthritis headaches, but the sinus things.....the medicine for it raises my bp, so i gotta do my medatation thingy to bring the bp down, then take the med that raises it, to get rid of the sinus headache AND put ice on my forehead. geez.

i supposed life like this is better than the alternative, but i'm having more days days when i'm not so sure.

and going off the cymbalta (FM pain, and depression) is soooo much fun. i could just, well, let's leave it at spit.

next blogs i'll try to go back to poetry. i think i got the rants out. thanks for listening.

linda

Think of every swear word you know. Insert here. I can't freakin believe another day with headache. tried the massage, heat, rest, more massage, 2 aleeve, cold therapy (for the sinus component) and bendryl for the sinus, and nothing, zip, nada....arrgghh. I had a little relief where i could open my eyes without pain, but its baaaaack!.
and the sleepiness. meet an old friend for breakfast and then went to costco and fresh farms with becky and frank. (they were my ride home). i even used a motorized cart for half the time at fresh farms. came home and slept till 7 pm, ate, took a nap, and stayed awake till around one a.m. woke up today and sooo tired and sooo much pain. my left knee went all wobbly, neck head and back hurt like the dickens (dickens? wtf?) and nothing is helping.
by five pm, i wanted a vicoden, but can only use them in limited way, and didn't want to waste one on only a half day. if i had known how bad it was going to be i would've taken it earlier.
D@#$ !!!!

if you are subscribed, fair warning, this will be mainly a rant on my part. there might be some poetry in the future, but idk yet.

I am so f-ing tired of all this s---. and i'm out of lucky charms (they're magically delicious). it's my go ot comfort food.

hope becky brings home vanilla ice cream cups tonight. i got fresh blackberrries in a splash of cinnanmon-cardamon french vannilla syrup.

can't wait to sleep. and a better day tomorrow.

well, i'm back. the heck with capital letters. wonder if there is anyone out there who used to read this. i think i'll change it. straight blog no pics. that's waht screwed me up last time.

this time it's going to be about living with cfs/me. one of thousands of blogs like that. but maybe it'll help.

it's been hellish lately with the pain. the fatigue is so much a part of me now that those few occasions when i actually feel like i could do something surprise me now.

the fatigue, it's like wearing a full pro football uniform, with all the pads and stuff, and then having to wear a suit of armour over it while i walk thru knee high mud and shoulder high water. lately it's felt like i'm dragging a sled full of cement blocks over sand.

been on cymbalta for the fm pain and depression, but am cutting down my dose slowly so i can find a generic whatever or even better get off antidepressents completely. i know its a chemical imbalance, but enough is enough. it's going to be difficult, but cymbalta is soooo expensive and we're down to just my disability pay and gary's 8-10 hour a week job. my insurance runs out the end of march so we have to shift to walgreens and their $4/mo plan. we are eating into savings/investment too. we figured that, but....

dealing with the cfs/me/fm is bad enough. but with my mom's terminal cancer, the lil sis's bizarre behaviour, which i think is ptsd from something i suspect she did awhile ago, and finding out who am i and what i do now, well it's a heavy toll mentally. and stress leads to a worsening of the me/cfs.

i wish someone in my family understood what is like, but unless you have it, it's impossible to understand. sue has fm, but she functions quite well. i don't think she's be diagnosed but she know the drill well enough to know. she's able to work, shop, take vacations, go horseback riding. in fact, if it wasn't for her depression (which she denies), she functions well.

i took the dog out for a walk. almost 2 blocks, then i left him in the house and went to the coffee shop for 1/2 hour. in addition to everything else, abe has severe separation anxiety. everyone tells me to take him back to the shelter, but i just can't do that. i feel when you adopt an animal from a shelter you make an unspoken vow to the dog/cat/... he's obviously been through a lot and giving him back to a shelter, well, i might as well just have him put down.

besides, he's like a service dog. gary says after a bad day, if the dog comes up to me, i smile and pet him. he does help.

well, hopefully no one is following this blog anymore, and i can just rant. time to knit before i tackle the daunting task of preparing a salad and making hamburger patties. (:-) it used to all be so easy before it got hard...